Advice For Your Early 20s
It’s Okay to Be Messy
As a licensed therapist who didn’t have her sh*t together at all in her 20s, I’m here to reflect and share my thoughts on how to navigate these very formative years.
One resounding theme comes up for me in all of my thinking around my own 20s and from my current work with clients in their 20s: you’re being too hard on yourself. Stop comparing your current self to where you want to be in the future. Enjoy where you are now, even if it feels messy sometimes (or all the time). Embrace the messiness of the failed relationships, late nights getting dollar slice pizza, paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle, all of it!
In my early 20s I had a hard time both being kind to myself and embracing where I was in life. I was suffering from an eating disorder which really fueled my comparison and competition with myself. Even with my own specific experience aside, I often hear about magical thinking for the “next thing” in my work with clients. This was how thinking when I was in my 20s. I thought that when I got to the next level, THEN I could be happy or proud of myself. Whether that was a stepping stone in my career or losing weight, I thought if X then Y, and the Y was always some version of the “better me.”
Examples of my inner voice sounded like this:
If I finally start making money and feel successful then I will feel worthy.
If I lose X more pounds then I will finally feel comfortable dating and be able to find someone/feel loveable.
This thinking was so limiting and left me in a self-fulfilling prophecy of not feeling good enough, and I see it now with clients in their early 20s.
What I wish I could go back and focus on, instead of the external markers for success, was healing the internal struggles I was going through with self-compassion and self-acceptance. Anxiety, Relational Wounds, and Eating Disorder management weren’t going to fix themselves if I made more money or felt more in control around food, I needed to actually show compassion and kindness to myself.
If I had started working on this sooner, I could’ve been less hard on myself for not being perfect all of the time, I could’ve embraced the messy mayhem of my 20s a bit more and I cold have enjoyed the ride, knowing that it was all going to work out someday.
A mindset shift to try:
I always ask my clients if I could give them a crystal ball and show them that they’re going to have the thing they’re worried about not having at some point in the future, how they would act in the right now?
Example: If you knew you weren’t going to meet your partner until 35, what would you do from 22-34? How would you spend your weekends? Who would you spend the most time with? Where would you travel? What would you use your brain space for?
If I could go back and redo my early 20s I would tell myself I am good enough every single day and I would try my hardest to believe it. I would put my real self out there without apologizing. I wouldn’t stress about every single dollar and swipe of my debit card so much (within reason, haha). I’d laugh off every stupid idiot boy who rejected me and tried to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for them. I’d eat full meals 3 times a day every single day and I wouldn’t have my life revolve around my workouts and calories. I’d spend my time being more creative and having more fun.
One thing I would never change— I would still spend every single second I could with the friends I spent my 20s with, but I’d be more present with them and savor the memories.
So remember, it’s okay to be messy in your early 20s, in fact, I encourage you to embrace it.
I’m Lauren Larkin, Licensed Therapist and Group Practice Owner in NYC. If you’re in New York and interested in therapy, contact us here. I love making people laugh, sharing tips about therapy, and sharing my life as a therapist on TikTok and Instagram (@leltherapy). Don’t hesitate to reach out or follow along!