5 Tips to Fighting Better Within Your Relationship
One of the most inevitable things about relationships is that there will be disagreements, conflict and misunderstandings.
Yet, it is not the lack of conflict that defines a healthy relationship, rather how it is navigated. Finding ways to engage in constructive conflict resolution is essential to nurturing and strengthening the bond between romantic partners.
Hi! My name is Alea DiGirolamo and I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the group practice owner of ATD Couples Therapy where we specialize in working with couples and the relationship dynamic. One theme I have found to be consistent with the couples I work with is that there is a fear of fighting. Society has taught us that fighting is “bad” which leaves most couples leaning towards avoiding it all together or focusing on how it is tearing the relationship apart instead of how we can use it to bring us closer to our partners.
As a wife and mother to a two year old, I have found myself in the middle of a disagreement with my partner thinking to myself, there has to be a better way for us to understand each other. Our approach to confronting challenging topics holds immense power, shaping not only the trajectory of individual conversations but also the broader patterns that define our relationship dynamics. Let's take a closer look at 5 tips to fighting better with your partner.
Tip #1 : Focus on the Emotion
When a disagreement starts, it's easy to get lost in the content - what happened and why you think your partner has done you wrong. This leads to a cycle of blame and potential criticism ultimately leaving us and our partners feeling misunderstood.
Instead share how you felt. Focus on the emotions that are coming up for you and stay away from initially going into why you felt that way. This should be short and simple so that we are creating an atmosphere where both partners could be heard.
When in doubt, just stick to simply saying “I felt…”. It is vitally important that we stay away from saying “I felt like you…”, because this is indicating your partner in a negative way and will take away from your partner really hearing the emotion you are trying to express.
Some emotion words for reference include:
Criticized, sad, unloved, lonely, out of control, alienated, worried, abandoned, misunderstood, ashamed, unheard, tense, unattractive, stupid, exhausted, overwhelmed, angry.
Tip #2: Describe your Reality
As a seasoned couples therapist, I notice that couples will lean into their perspective of what happened as if they are on trial in front of a judge. They will make their “case” and often say things like “You said…”, “You made me think…”, “You made it clear…”.
In order to fight better, try taking turns describing your perceptions of your reality while avoiding criticism or blame. As best you can, try to report this as if you were giving a description such as “I heard you say…”, “There was a struggle to understand…”.
The speaker will touch on something that they experienced while the listener’s role is to summarize, lean into empathy and validation. This looks like “It makes sense that you would feel hurt from this perspective, I can see why that would bother you”. Keep in mind that this does not admit “guilt”, rather you are letting your partner know you can hear their emotion and that their perception of the situation as valid.
Repeat this pattern until both partners feel heard and understood. When in doubt, be curious ; “What do I need to know to understand your perspective better”, “Is there anything that I am missing”.
Tip #3 : Share Your Triggers
Typically, we feel an escalation of emotions when the situation reminds us of our past. Taking the time to talk about what events in the fight triggered a big reaction and the stories behind them will leave space for your partner to understand you on a deeper level.
Tip #4 : Take Responsibility
I have found throughout the years of working with couples, that this can be a challenge to master as we learn to fight better. It may feel difficult to take responsibility when we feel that we were wronged. However, this is arguably one of the most important steps to changing the pattern of how disagreements play out.
Take a moment to reflect on what set you up for miscommunication? What conditions do you feel you were under that left space for conflict to grow? Then reflect on what you regret about the fight and what you can take accountability for?
Tip #5: Create a Constructive Plan
This is the time to share a positive need that you wish to have from your partner moving forward. Then, share something that you could do differently to ensure a different outcome moving forward in disagreements. Brainstorm together what each of you would need to put this fight behind you. The goal of this step is to find a middle ground as much as possible. Try to view this step as you and your partner are a team looking to find a solution against the disagreement, not you against your partner.
If you are struggling with finding that middle ground, seek support from a licensed couples therapist.
I’m Alea DiGirolamo, the Director and owner of ATD Couples Therapy where we focus on providing exceptional support to couples and individuals looking for tools and a path to healthier relationships. You can also find a variety of mental health content on our instagram @atdcouplestherapy, blog or Tiktok. If you are in New York, New Jersey or Florida, and interested in learning more about the services we offer, please reach out here. We look forward to connecting with you!