Lessons About Grief from Both Sides of the Couch (Insights from Grief Therapy in NYC)
Written by: Caroline Kirby, LMFT
Long before becoming a therapist, I became well acquainted with grief. I lost my dad when I was in high school and I’ve had to say goodbye to other people I’ve loved deeply since. While loss has undoubtedly shaped who I am as a person, it’s also influenced who I am as a therapist providing grief therapy in NYC.
From Personal To Professional
It’s a unique and privileged experience—becoming familiar with the raw, private parts of grief that aren’t my own, as I sit with others navigating theirs in grief counseling. I’ve learned that grief is never simple and rarely what we expect. It’s layered, confusing, and frankly taboo for something that is inevitably universal. If nothing else, I hope the following lessons are a reminder that no matter what your grief looks like, it belongs.
Grief Is Messy
The stages of grief can be helpful as a framework, but they can create the illusion that grief follows a clear structure—which, unfortunately, it doesn’t. Grief is incredibly messy and unpredictable. It can take you to places within yourself you didn’t know existed.
Grief sucks. In the process, you might not recognize yourself and that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself as you’re already carrying enough. This version of you deserves grace—something we often emphasize in grief therapy NYC, where there is no “right” way to grieve.
One of my favorite pieces of advice I heard on a podcast emphasizes how messy grief can be: you have every right to go insane, just come back.
It’s Yours and Yours Alone
Although grief is a universal experience, it’s also deeply personal. It’s yours and nobody else’s, which can feel incredibly isolating—but also comes with profound meaning. The pain reflects the uniqueness of the relationship, the singular bond you shared.
Because of that, there’s no need to compare losses or justify your pain. The worst loss will always be your own. This is something that often comes up in therapy, where people feel pressure to minimize their grief because “others have it worse.”
It also means that people won’t always know what to say or do—and that’s okay too.
Time Is Complicated
Time helps, but not in the way we’re often told it will. It doesn’t heal so much as it softens the edges—and even then, not always. You learn to grow around the grief, but I’m not sure you ever truly get over it.
For some, it’s the passing of time itself that hurts the most. Each day the distance grows between you and the last moment shared with the person you lost—a somber reminder that life does go on, even if you’re not ready for it.
In grief therapy, this tension with time is something many people struggle to articulate. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to keep moving forward, and you’re allowed to do that, too.
You Can’t Avoid It…
I once listened to a podcast on grief where someone said that the only way to avoid grief is to avoid love—as they are inextricably connected. This is not a flaw of ours, but rather the cost of connection.
As much as we might wish otherwise, there’s no shortcut to grief. I’ve seen clients in grief therapy NYC try to find one time and time again. You just have to feel it, as painful as it might be, and let the emotions run their course.
That said, just because you have to go through it doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone.
…And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
Now isn’t the time to be strong or fiercely independent. Grief isn’t something you’re meant to carry quietly—even when the instinct might be to withdraw.
Let yourself need others, because frankly, you do. People don’t have to fully understand your grief to be helpful; they can still show up in meaningful ways. This is something many people discover through grief counseling with a skilled therapist, where being witnessed in pain can be deeply healing.
Being seen in your grief can open the door for new connections with those who can empathize in ways others can’t.
Grief Changes You
Grief divides life into before and after. You may not be who you were before—and you don’t have to be. Loss reshapes not only your world, but your sense of self, including grieving the version of you that existed before everything changed.
Some people may expect you to remain the same after loss, but you’re not. As a result, relationships may shift, grow more distant, or fall away. This loss can hurt too, and it’s something that often emerges in grief therapy in NYC.
Learning how to move through life while carrying the ache of loss may feel like one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Doing it imperfectly doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You’re allowed to enjoy your “after” without guilt, and you deserve patience and kindness as you find your footing in this new version of the world.
Humor and Humanity Still Have a Place
It’s okay to laugh—even when others don’t quite understand it. To use humor as a way to cope (even if it’s a bit dark) can be healing. The people who are meant to be there will laugh with you, not question what it means.
While joy can feel like a betrayal in the midst of loss, it isn’t. Grief and joy are not opposites; they can exist side by side. This is something many clients discover over time throughout the therapy process, as they learn that moments of levity don’t diminish love.
You Grieve What Was, and What Wasn’t
Grief isn’t only about what you lost, but also about what never had the chance to happen—the conversations that went unsaid, apologies left unspoken, the milestones you imagined sharing, more quality time together.
Sometimes that longing shows up most on days you expect to feel happiest, when the absence feels especially loud. Excitement and sadness can coexist, and you’re allowed to honor both.
Missing what could have been doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It means you loved deeply and had hopes rooted in that love—something therapy makes space for, without judgment. If you’re looking to start therapy with a grief specialist today, I would be honored to be alongside you during that journey.
— Caroline Kirby
Caroline is a skilled, Licensed therapist who can see clients virtually in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Florida. If you are interested in reaching out for a free fifteen minute consultation about grief therapy, fill out this contact form or text us here: 917-283-2389.
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You don’t have to do it alone!