3 Tactics for Deescalating Conflict in Relationships
because relationships are hard…
1. Utilize The Gottman Institute’s “Soft Start Up”
The soft-start up is basically asking your partner if it’s a good time to talk rather than launching into a conversation with them without their agreement. If you have a partner who avoids these conversations and says something like “no this really isn’t a good time, work was crazy today.” Try asking them to agree on a time that day so that the both of you can prepare to talk:
Partner 1: “I’m sorry today sucked, I do really want to talk to you about our relationship, though, when is a good time for you this week?”
Partner 2: “How about Wednesday night after dinner?”
This helps both parties be on the same page, not feel caught off guard or attacked, and can hopefully stop the conversation from escalating to conflict. Partner 1 can even give insight to what they might want to discuss so that Partner 2 has time to digest and think about the subject (i.e. next steps in the relationship, upcoming family visit, sex life, boundaries etc.)
2. Practice Mindful Awareness of Heightened Emotions
Something you can work on without being in conversation with your partner is practicing mindful awareness of what you’re feeling and being able to recognize when you’re feeling “triggered” or having a heightened emotional experience.
This is helpful to work on with a therapist because the therapist can help you learn to put language to your feelings, identify when they are coming up for you, find patterns of behavior that tend to elicit certain feelings, and help you notice where feelings are stored in your body. Then, clients can take that knowledge outside of the therapeutic space and practice different techniques for self-soothing during heightened moments. One of these could be recognizing when an emotion is coming up (like rage) in a conflict and learning how to identify the feeling, pause and take a “time out” from the feeling, and come back to the conversation when you are better able to talk.
3. Allow Communication to Take Multiple Forms
Some clients feel safer writing a letter to their partner, letting them digest it, then coming together to talk about it for whatever reason (could be family trauma, negative feedback when expressing your needs verbally in the past, and more). I encourage clients to try different methods of communication if they feel like their points keep getting lost in translation with their partner. There’s no perfect formula for all couples, you have to try what works best for YOU!