Falling in love with yourself first

One of my best friends and I were getting ready the other day and she asked me super casually: “how many times do you think you’ve been in love?”

My brain started scanning my experiences before I spoke. I flicked through the flings, the real meanies (and the poor dudes I was a real meanie to), the big loves and the bar make outs and realized something: I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. You can’t truly experience being in love until you love yourself.

You can give love away and accept someone else's love, sure, but being in love with someone in a real, healthy way requires you to accept yourself enough to be able to ask for what you need and give that back in return -- an equal partnership.

My past relationships have filled different voids and even contributed to my own forms of self-punishment. I participated in relationships (if you can even call them that) with people who exacerbated the negative thoughts in my own head: that I am not good enough, or that I’m “crazy.” I let people treat me badly and I treated others badly, because I had a skewed idea of love. I thought I would find someone to come and save me from myself,  who'd love me despite my flaws instead of because of them. 

I have had some really beautiful experiences with the feeling of love and I don’t regret any of my decisions in that arena of my life. Every person who’s come and gone has taught me something and made me stronger, kinder, and more self-aware. Now, I know what I want for the future. 

I’m no self-love expert, I find myself using male attention to validate my worth sometimes, and I still give love to people who clearly aren't in a place to give it back, but I’m in a committed relationship with myself now. That relationship is the priority. It requires a lot of effort and a lot of practice in positivity, but I know that it’ll make me a better partner to my person one day.

Everyone wants love, but what I really want is someone who loves me and respects me for exactly who I am, and how will they learn to do that if we don’t feel the same way about ourselves? My mentor always reminds me that “you teach people how to treat you.” I think when I finally do fall in love, the person who loves me will learn how by watching my own example.