Owning Our Story
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.” — Brené Brown
Yesterday, at my hair appointment I was asked the question, “why did you decide to go into mental health?” This sweet, unassuming assistant shampooing my head was probably not expecting what came next. Most people usually aren’t.
“Well, a few years ago I reached a breaking point after suffering from an eating disorder for years, and after I got through that I decided to go back to school because I knew helping other people through similar situations was my purpose.”
Now, I always want people to feel comfortable when I share this, so I emphasized that he didn’t ask me anything too personal, and that I’m an open book —I share this with everyone who asks. I wanted to alleviate his internal shame for not knowing what to say to such a vulnerable topic, and alleviate my internal shame for being the vulnerable one.
His response was perfectly beautiful. He simply said “thank you for sharing with me.” And we moved right along.
This moment got me thinking about an incredibly powerful story about former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur, who was a survivor of child sexual abuse, and spent her life speaking on the subject to raise awareness.
One trip, she was on a plane once and a man was pressing her to share what she does, and when she finally told him he was stunned and didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t expecting her to share that she’d endured something so awful and so taboo. To no fault of his own, he was about to shame and re-traumatize her just by saying the wrong thing.
Marilyn, however, owned her story. She owned how she shared it, with whom, and she had learned how to articulate her needs to avoid that shame. She said: “Now, I’m going to tell you how to respond to what I just said. Are you ready? You’re going to look me in the eyes and say ‘I’m so sorry that happened to you.’”
The next time someone doesn’t have a response to what you choose to share of your own story, try telling them kindly what you need to hear back, or explain that you have no shame around sharing it, and they don’t need to feel shame around asking. Or even thank them for broaching the subject!
Show compassion for yourself and for the other person by remembering that ownership of our story, our insecurities, our trauma, is a completely new phenomenon for some, but when we do it we model and practice bravery. So don’t stop.